Some Inspiration from the Gila


Connection is what we crave. The Oneness in all of us that speaks to the Other and says… 


My favorite joke…

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One of them says, “Is it getting hot in here?” and the other one says, “Oh my God, a talking muffin!”

We find ourselves surprised that we are the same, underneath, and the looming doom of the furnace has no meaning. That is the source of our laughter.

The opposite of this joy is a lie. The illusion of separation. Still, sadness creeps in when the gift of joy is refused. In the eyes of the other who is not, we see ourselves forsaken.


Capitalism and Public Space

I see this around me in the faces of my neighbors — being a little fish, swallowed. I care, deeply, but the sludge overtakes me.  I pull my feet free with wet, sick, sucking sounds and flee.

The only succor is the Light, spreading among and through all of us as One.

I shed it from my wings like faery sparkles and pray that souls receive it kindly, and use it well.

Whatever I have been, whatever I have done, this I am, I do, now.  In the space where is held love and gratitude, I dance.

And it’s OK that no one knows.


IMG_20190912_193143Mostly it springs bright, in waves of light through chiffon, slanting in to add magic to my mundane space.  It transforms it from tiny, cramped and cluttered to cozy, compact and complete.

There are days when it looks suspiciously like despair, though. Denial. A term that in the throes of spiritual knowing gives great power, but in the left eye of the ego peers into a triangle shaped clock that is deceptively illuminated, ticking no more.

Still it returns, even as all other symbols are sidetracked, and it is, and I am.



The Lightbringer Conundrum

Lucifer as Lightbringer

Strange days… I came back to this blog to get my thoughts and feelings in order about my fanfiction story “Halfway Home,” and I find this last entry from May 2016. It was wildly prescient. As far as I know, there hasn’t been any mass murder of Bernie supporters, but we were definitely shoved out of the way.

However, what I’m struck by in the here and now is the reference to Lucifer.  My current fanfiction is based on the TV show, “Lucifer.” The show is about redemption and forgiveness, and the lead actor, Tom Ellis, often says that a story about putting the most irredeemable character in history on a path to redemption is one that is worthy of telling. In my opinion, he tells it exceptionally well.

But what bothers me about it is that, though the show writers establish in the very first episode that Lucifer is not interested in human souls, from my own spiritual experience, I suspect that there are spiritual entities in contact with this plane that are predatory.  I’m not going to rehash that experience since I’ve written about it before, but if you’re interested, here are the links on Tikkun: Looking into the Eyes of God and The Divine Glance.  

I’ve never fully understood what the negative aspect of that experience was truly conveying. To be honest, maybe I’m just resisting it. I have to point out that I was looking for God, both when I was receiving the Divine Glance and when I offered it, and what I define as God is basically my loving Creator. 

Now, I have a neighbor, Pony, who won’t use the word “God” because he says it refers back to a being who is evil, Gadreel, a Devil character. I think throwing fear on calling for God, by whatever name, is not helpful. This implies that our Creator does not know our hearts and our intention, and the very idea that an evil entity can intercept our communication with God, who I call the Beloved, is absurd. 

Pony also likes to use the example of going on a date and calling her by the wrong name when it comes to the true name of “Jesus,” Christ Yahshua. He says you’re likely to get a drink in the face. But that situation is more like having a friend who sends you a letter introducing you to their sister, but they really don’t want you going out with their sister, so they tell you her name is Gwen when it’s really Angela. Who would Angela be upset with? You, or the interfering brother?

Anyway, I’m having second thoughts about writing my “Lucifer” fanfiction story.  I’ve seen some stories that fall into the narrative that God is actually the bad guy in this story, a horrible Father to his once favorite son, but I’m not writing my story that way.  Maybe I was drawn to write this to counter those narratives. I don’t think the show is heading down that path, either. The “God Johnson,” and “Once Upon a Time,” episodes show that God still loves and always has loved his rebel son, Lucifer.

As for me, I believe the reason God “doesn’t speak to regular people,” is because we have lowered our vibration so that we can’t hear God, not that God isn’t speaking to us. God speaks to everyone, just not very many people listen.  That’s the direction I’m going with my story, too.

Christianity teaches forgiveness, and to pray for our enemies.  Like Mark Twain said, why not pray for the one sinner who needs it the most? I don’t ever advocate praying TO Lucifer, but why not pray to God for his redemption and forgiveness?  Wouldn’t that be the one true peacefully victorious solution to the “spiritual war”?

I spent many years deeply involved in Unity, which does not interpret the Bible literally, but metaphysically, and teaches that “There is only One Presence and One Power active as the universe and through my life: God, the Good, Omnipotence. God is the source and creator of all. There is no other enduring power. God is good and present everywhere.”

I made the most progress spiritually when I was active there, and I want to believe that this is true. So how do I handle this experience of contradictory evidence?  Is it an illusion? Is it, as my aunt says, “a negative thought form?”  

I was calling for the Beloved, so is Jhe (my pronoun for both male and female) both good and evil? My Sufi friend, Manny, told me a story of Arjuna and Krishna, where Arjuna declares his devotion to Krishna (God) and says he wants to know Him completely.  Krishna warns him that this is not a good idea, but Arjuna insists, so he then turns from this handsome, peaceful Prince into a devouring monster with a gaping mouth and a thousand fangs.  Arjuna, in horror, hides his eyes and says he doesn’t want to see that anymore, that he is happy to see Krishna in his fairer form. Is that the choice I am making, also?

Even if my experience of a predatory spiritual entity is true, still, I believe that the only reason they exist is because of a self-imposed separation from God, the Source of Life.  My purpose is to mend that separation, so that these entities are reconnected to Source and no longer think they need to draw energy from human souls. 

So, keeping my intention clear, I can continue with my story. I have over 11, 000 hits and 300 subscribers on my story, and I don’t want to let those people down.  I have a great story to tell, and I intend to branch off into my own universe as well, with my original characters.

But, a disclaimer. Proceed into this “Lucifer” narrative at your own peril.  Don’t stray into the false narrative. The show writers have said that the character of Lucifer is not a trustworthy narrator of his own tale.  His view, in the beginning especially, is flawed. I love that he begins to take responsibility for his own culpability in the later seasons, and forgive himself. Whether he can forgive his Father and accept his Father’s forgiveness remains to be seen, but that’s where I hope the show is headed.


Dream Log – NYC Nightmare

On June 15, 2010, I had a dream that turned out to be 100% accurate.  Fortunately, I had written it down in my journal, so I had proof. I wrote down the dream exactly as I remembered it, but I got details as I was half awake.  I didn’t write them down at first because they weren’t in the dream, but an hour later or so, I wrote them in the margins, because I thought it was important to note them.

A month later, I talked to the subject of my dream and the first thing he did was start telling me exactly what I had dreamed as it had happened to him.

Prophetic dream 2010

I had a dream last night that I hope doesn’t turn out to be true, because it was really, really awful.

I dreamed that I was with a march for Bernie Sanders (I think in NY), but I found out that many of those sweet, compassionate, spiritually beautiful people had been led down an alley, locked into an incinerator, and burned to death by the HRC team.   I didn’t see it happen, but I came across this huge, dark, ashen room full of skulls. I don’t know why they didn’t see me, maybe I was not wearing any Bernie gear.  Maybe I was “undercover.” I took pictures of the room and got back to the main street with a former HRC supporter who was a journalist.  I remember the avenue was called “E Street.” (E for Extermination?) We began to warn people away from it.

That’s when I woke up.

I know it seems crazy to even consider this a “true” vision, but how naive are we being? What happened in Germany was so horrific that its sheer evil was beyond the grasp of the good German people to imagine, beyond their ability to comprehend. It happened less than a century ago.  What makes us think we have evolved beyond that evil?

We scream that we are fighting a rigged system, so why are we shocked when we are proven correct? We are fighting the military industrial complex.  Killing masses of people is WHAT THEY DO. They contemplate ways to do it efficiently EVERY DAY.

You need to put yourself behind their eyes to even consider this as a possible danger. I do this as a novelist when I create my antagonist, but even then, it’s stressful for me. But I can tell you this: this is not beyond them.  They may even justify what they are doing as “population control,” for the good of mankind.

So I prayed to God for a sign.  I prayed that I would pull a card from my Angel Tarot that would give me clear confirmation. I remembered the last time I did a reading, and the Death card popped from the deck. This was in October, just before my father made his transition, so I thought of that.

Tarot overshadowed by Death

I didn’t pull Death.

The card I pulled was The Devil.

My first thought was, “It’s not the one I asked for, for confirmation,” but then I read the card’s meaning.  Death signifies endings, not always of things we cherish, and entails new beginnings as well, so it might not have been a good card to ask for as a confirmation.

The Devil card reads: “The most beautiful of God’s archangels, Morningstar was not satisfied with being the second most powerful being in creation. He wanted it all, so he rebelled against his creator and was cast out of Heaven. Morningstar became Lucifer, ‘the adversary,’ tempting mankind to join him in darkness. He is shown here with two chained disciples, but the shackles are so loose the disciples are obviously chained by their own choice.”

I am drawn to the phrase, “He wanted it all…” That is exactly what Bernie is fighting, what he has seen in Congress.  “They want it all!” he says, and what we are doing is telling them “NO! You cannot have it all!”

This seems to be a much more accurate card to act as confirmation. I also thought that perhaps I pulled this card to warn that I was being deceived, that this dream was a lie. The card’s meaning does not list deception, however.

But I have to be sure, since I have had a completely accurate prophetic dream before. I rarely remember my dreams, now, and this one was very clear. There was nothing nonsensical in it, just unimaginably horrible, as the Holocaust was.

This could also simply be metaphorical, expressing the feeling that this election has given me.  That we mean nothing to the establishment and they just want us out of the way.

I don’t really expect anyone to read this.  I’m writing this for myself, mainly.  This blog has not been active for a long time, so I doubt it will be seen, now.

I wasn’t going to publicize this, but something tells me I should.  If there is someone else out there who needs to see this, I want them to have every chance to connect with me or respond in whatever fashion is appropriate. This is who I am, and I won’t go back on my promise to hide nothing. It’s none of my business what other people think of me, or my message.  I just relay the message.

God bless you all!




Ground Zero: Still Burning

Good place to write for my blog — in a doctor’s waiting room. I’m not being seen, my friend, Mitch Trupia, is. He’s doing a skin cancer screening.

He is an incredibly brave soul, and has been facing a lot since 9/11. He’s coming out now…

I did a lot of praying for him, and I’m going to put him on the Unity prayer list, too. Two of the blotches he was concerned about were cleared, but they are doing a biopsy on the third one.

This doctor was very caring and compassionate, and she took the time to thank him for his service at Ground Zero. He was very touched, and I think it’s been a long time since he’s been treated with the respect and gratitude he deserves.

Written on May 16, 2014

Writing about Writer’s Block

So, I’m feeling a little stuck with my story. I’m taking my roommate’s advice and since I can’t get past this little block, I’m going to write about writer’s block.

I went to a meeting for the Island Writers Network last night. It went fairly well, considering that I am in the middle of a strange flareup with my arthritis. I feel like I have a lot to offer the group that they have no idea about. I haven’t told them that I was a literary agent.

Sometimes I wish Shanti could be right there with me all the time in situations like that. She’s always mentioning my writing skills and my work as an agent and generally playing me up. I can’t do that myself.

Okay, enough for now. I have to run off and get a table for the apartment.

So, here I am, waiting in front of the Church Mouse for my friend, Zeke, to get here. (His name is actually Zelda, believe it or not.) And this photo is the front of the Church Mouse, but no selfies! This is the kind of errand that always keeps me from writing on a schedule. Usually, it’s something for my father or another friend in need. I have to be honest, I do get sucked into the games, too, but in the back of my mind, I’m thinking about networking. My gamer friends buy my novels!

So, it’s not a total waste of time. I’ve sold more novels on the games than I have in any traditional venue.

Hmm, I guess the voice feature is only available online. Oh, well, not sure I …

Here he is!

… want to broadcast my thoughts, anyway.

Written on May 13, 2014

Back at it.

My sister has taken over the care of my mother since she had to move to a skilled care facility in Columbia.  I think about her all the time.  I send her Reiki, and she seems to be doing very well.  She is getting the care she really needs.

I’m hoping to go up to see her again this weekend, but I’m struggling with a sore throat.  Considering I was feeling a lot of guilt about not keeping to steady hours with my writing, that makes perfect sense on the throat chakra level.  Coughs mean, according to Louise Hays, that we feel we have something to say that is important, but is not being heard.  “Barking at the world,” so to speak.  So perhaps my throat will clear as I continue to write.

So I got back to my writing, and today I stuck to my discipline.  I clocked my personal requirement of hours and then some, and made my quota of pages, plus did some market research for short story sales.

I have a novella version of the story I’m working on up already, if anyone is interested in reading it.  It has 19 reviews already, and is holding steady at 4.6 out of 5 stars.  I’m still hammering out the subplot in the longer novel version, but it’s getting to be FUN again!  Here’s a link:

Sorcerer’s Vendetta

Sorcerer's Vendetta Cover by Trish Bigger

I’d greatly appreciate your honest review, but remember, I’m already working on the longer revision, so rate it as a “quick read” novella, as it is.  I plan to include all helpful reviewers in the acknowledgments of the long version!

So much in Life…

I haven’t been blogging since this post, but not because I have nothing to say.  Sometimes I feel like I have too much to say — all the thoughts are crowding out of my head and screaming to get on the page!

My heart is full of love and gratitude for All of you!  And yet, there are days when I feel so overwhelmed lately…  If you know me from Facebook (and you are all welcome to connect with me there, too) you will know why, already.

I know this to be true, we are all the Temple of God and the Spirit of God abides in us. The mystery remains, though — why do we do the things we do to ourselves?  I can’t bear to see the suffering around me, in my family, but I am helpless to stop it.  I am locked in their perception, caught in their field of reality, most of the time.

Sometimes, in a crisis, I call out the Spirit of Christ within, and miracles happen. I see it, but it soon fades from the awareness of others, still walking in their nightmare.  I feel like a solo time traveler, the only one who remembers what really happened before the timeline shifted.

But other times, I’m just a little girl who wants her Daddy to pick her up and hug her.


The Quest for the Divine Glance

Rumi wrote of it. Christ Yahshua (Jesus) certainly experienced and shared it, when he spoke of “letting your eye be single,” and “full of light.” The Hindus and Sikhs call it Darshan.

And yet, with millions of Christians in this country, it seems virtually unheard of. Even feared.

This is the story of my first experience with the most powerful encounter with God — looking into God’s eyes.

I experienced it for the first time at the Healing Center in Columbia, SC, sometime in late 2001 or early 2002, if I recall. The group focused on “A Course in Miracles” and they had a leader from “The Academy” as it was referred to.

I came in a little late and the group had already started. The leader, Peter, was standing with his arms up in the middle of the room. I think someone told me later that what he was doing was called, “creating the space,” but I can’t be sure. Peter was a tall, thin man with a fascinating accent (Australian, maybe?) and medium brown close-cropped hair. He looked at me with this loving smile of joy on his face as I came into the room. I felt instantly connected to him even though I had never met him before and then I felt a force come from him that touched me all around my head and shoulders.

I didn’t recognize what it was at the time and Peter himself did not seem to know what he had done. When I told him after the meeting what had happened, he said, “That wasn’t me, that was you!” Actually, I think it was both of us. I was ready to receive it and he was ready to give it.

This happened shortly after I had a spiritual awakening in which I became aware of the presence of God in the here and now. For three months I walked around in a state of bliss. As Neale Donald Walsch says (or God says, through him) “Heaven is nowhere. Now. Here.”

It was probably a year or two later before I met a man who knew what this experience was and how to share it with intent. He was a Sufi who made chain mail armor and jewelry to sell at renaissance fairs. I met him, believe it or not, on an online dating site. His spiritual name was Hanuman but his birth name was Manny.

Manny was not much taller than I am, around 5′ 5″ or 5′ 6″, thin, with long dark hair and deep brown eyes. His physical presence hid an incredibly beautiful spirit. He was Jewish but had become a follower of Sufism, the esoteric, mystical sect of Islam. He once told me that if he were on a plane hijacked by Muslim extremists, he would be one of the first they would want to kill but that he could keep the plane safe by going into a prayer chant, “La illaha illa ‘la,” There is no God but God. Muslims are forbidden to kill someone while they are connected to God, so if they were truly Muslim, they would be unable to blow up or crash the plane as long as he was praying.

When we went out on a date, he told me that there was a time when for an initiate to enter the order, he had to be able to demonstrate mastery of the Fire breath. The initiate was taken out into the snow and told to sit under six wet blankets. In order to be accepted INTO the order, he had to use the Fire breath to dry all the blankets and melt the snow for six feet around him. Imagine that.

So, over dinner in a noisy restaurant, we were talking about our favorite subject, God, whom the Sufis call “the Beloved.” I think I must have been expressing my joy in His presence and my love for Him. (Although I refer to God as He and I experience Him as masculine, I feel that Spirit is both masculine and feminine, and neither. God is Spirit. I know and respect many who experience God as She.)

At one point Manny went silent. He dropped his gaze for a second and then looked up at me and gave me the most loving, joyful smile I had ever seen. When I looked into his eyes it was suddenly like looking into the eyes of eternity, into an infinite depth of stars. That force I had felt before, through Peter, touched me with undeniable power. I felt this immense Love and suddenly it was all joy, all of it, existence itself, and I had to laugh. I knew without a doubt, this time, that I was looking into the eyes of God, the Beloved.

This may upset some people but I felt in that instant like life was a huge cosmic joke we are all enjoying. I remembered what Neale Donald Walsch taught me and I felt it when I looked into the Beloved’s eyes. I know this is hard for people who have experienced a lot of pain in their lives to hear, but we are all doing this to ourselves! God is not outside of us, judging our every move. He is INSIDE us, living with us through everything that we call into our path. So it is our choice whether to experience joy or pain. I prefer to give Him my joy.

I remember saying in that instant, “I felt that!” Manny said, with that same joyful smile, “I know.”

Soon after our date in Hilton Head where I lived, I went down to Florida to visit Manny. This is where I found out that the Divine Glance can also be dark.

Once, Manny looked at me and I saw something hungry, predatory, and arrogant. I can’t describe it any other way except “demonic.” I felt an instant of terror and I told him, “I just saw something… else…” He said, “Something more human?” I said yes, because I couldn’t bear to tell him what I really saw.

I don’t know what was different in that moment. Perhaps he was thinking of me with lust and that was why it shifted. Perhaps it was some unnamed fear in me, of him, that I was projecting. I don’t know, but that instant still haunts me. I would like to believe that aspect of the Divine is a mask, an illusion.

Manny told me that he did share the Divine Glance in an unusual way once. He had a female friend who was being stalked by a man who claimed to be a Satanist. When this Satanist was bothering her at a party, she came to Manny for help. Manny looked at him with the Divine Glance and the man got a look of terror on his face. He left immediately and never bothered her again.

If the Divine Glance is a mirror, I can imagine what he saw. I would bet he dropped Satanism.

I was able to share the Divine Glance after Manny shared it with me but I have also experienced someone receiving it as darkness from me when I did not intend it that way. I thought my intent was pure but I honestly can’t say now. I had just done a healing session on a woman which had gone extremely well, miraculously clearing almost all of her pain, but before the session she told me she was feeling a lot of fear in her life. Perhaps it was her fear of God that called it darkness. Or perhaps it was my ego that twisted it. Maybe I was “showing off” just a little instead of sharing.

I do not believe in coincidence, so what does it mean that her name was also Sarah? For me, it calls up the scene from one of the Star Wars movies, when Luke Starwalker goes into the dark cave and fights himself.

For a long time, I stopped trying to share the Divine Glance after that. I did go back to sharing it without that experience of darkness eventually. I think it is time to share it again, this way. I was afraid for a while that talking about it would create resistance from the ego but I believe ultimately in Divine Order. This article will come to only those who are ready to read it. I don’t expect it to get a huge following but I would be thrilled if it did! Perhaps we are all ready to awaken.

So, keep that ego in check, and keep your eyes open for the loving Glance of God. I will be looking for you in Heaven, Beloved… Here and now…

And the quest is complete when we realize our journey is not TO God, but WITH God.  With the Beloved.

My thanks to Barbara Franken for inviting me to post this as her guest in the Awakening series!

Me, My Magnificent Self

1st     Barbara  –
2nd    Paddy    –
3rd     Emanuel-
6th     Julianne –
7th     Sarah     –
8th     Shree     –
9th     Dace      –
10th   Korinn    –
11th   Sindy     –
12th   Stefanie –
13th   Mick      –
14th   Joss      –
15th   Megan   –
16th   Pat         –
17th   Marga    –
18th   Kimberley –
19th   Becki        –
20th   Serena      –
21st   Heather     –
22nd  PurpleRay –
23rd    Sue          –
24th    M…          –
25th    Brian G    –
26th    Dotta       –
27th    CW          –
28th    Laurie       –
29th    Debra       –
30th    Linda        –
31th    Michael     –